The Picture Got Me ....

Today, as I was getting supper ready, I saw my mom's beautiful face on my fridge.  The picture has been there for mos. now and I usually look "past" it so I don't lose it.  But today, as I was looking at the picture, I couldn't stop the tears.  The picture is from April 8th, 2015, the day of my 7th child's birth.  My mom is sitting on the hospital bed with me (yes we are squished together!) holding Ms. Dava.  And my mom has the biggest smile in the picture, she looks just beautiful, content, and happy.  One proud Grandma!  I look at that picture and I just ache to talk to her.  I just ache to see her.  I ache to have her back.  I do talk to her on the phone and see her much more now than I did pre-aneurysm, yet I feel like I haven't seen or talked to my mom in over 10 mos., since that awful day last November.  My heart aches as I see her vibrant face in the picture compared to how she was yesterday when we went shopping.  And well-meaning people say to me "at least she survived the aneurysm."  I can say that seeing mom so confused, not able to walk, struggling to transfer in and out of a car, not having control over her bowels or urine, being paranoid, being angry, insisting her grandchildren are her children, and on and on, is harder than going through the death of dad who was so at peace with everything.  I miss my mom with all my heart.

The Storm Continues ... Part 2

My last blog post summarized a lot that has happened over the last two plus years.  I want to try and "finish" the update today, although there is so much that has happened that I will mostly just touch on things.  It is difficult to go in to too much detail ... but I do plan on doing that when I am ready.  As I stated before, writing is healing to me, and so at the advice of my two oldest girls, I write =)

While my mom was starting her slow recovery from her aneurysm rupture, my grandma's (my mom's mom) health started failing quickly.  The timing couldn't have been worse.  My mom had been my grandma's rock over many years, helping to care for her and take her to many appointments.  My mom normally saw my grandma at least twice a week.  Because of my mom's aneurysm there was an 8 week gap before they saw each other -- that was so difficult as Grandma was so use to mom always being there and because of her dementia she kept forgetting why she wasn't coming.  And then the news came that her health was failing quickly and she had days or weeks left.  Thankfully, my dad and Aunt were able to get my mom and grandma together several times over grandma's last days.  Grandma passed away at the end of February, almost 7 mos. ago, yet mom still asks from time to time "have you talked to Grandma today."  I was close to my grandma and losing her has been difficult.  I miss so much about her.

And this is a tough one for me to write about but my dad's health started failing in May (probably earlier than that but he was so strong and didn't let on).  Dad had a "stroke" on April 28th and we spent many hours in the ER that evening thinking that the cancer had spread to his brain (this is what the Dr.'s had mentioned as a possibility).  When I left the ER that night I had accepted that is what we were going to find out.  I went to dad and mom's house to spend the night with mom since she still needed care and dad was in the ER.  Too many details to go into but after much back and forth, throughout many days (yes cancer had spread, no it hadn't) the Dr.s' finally confirmed the cancer had spread to dad's brain, as well as other spots. This was in mid-May.  At the same time dad found this out, mom was in Rochester having surgery on her shunt which was plugged.  Such a tough time but God was still one step ahead of me in this journey and He continued to carry me through. 

Mom was discharged from Rochester to a Nursing Home in EC in mid-May.  I stayed with mom the first night in the nursing home as dad needed to get some rest at home.  But after that, dad stayed with mom every night, even though he felt so crummy from the radiation he was now getting.  On Thursday, June 9th, dad left the nursing home early in the morning to go home and try to shower.  Yes, just showering became almost too much for dad those last days. He told mom he wouldn't be able to make it back that day as he didn't feel strong enough.  He never did make it back to the nursing home as he ended up failing day by day, until early in the morning on Thursday June 16th when he won his battle with cancer and went to be with Jesus.  I will always say he "won his battle with cancer" because now he is healthy and free from disease and with his Saviour!  That is winning!

Soon I will write about that last week with dad.  There are so many memories during that week.  I saw dad 7 out of 8 of his last days on earth and for that I am thankful, so, so thankful!  I spent dad's last night at home (Monday, June 13th - Tuesday June 14th) with him and that is something I will always cherish.  Such difficult moments -- but beautiful moments at the same time.  I also was blessed to spend dad's last day's with him in the hospital.  Those were extremely difficult days but also it was a blessing to all be together, my dad and mom, sister, brother and I. 

And things are still very hard.  Of course there is the grieving over my dad.  I love him and miss him more than I can express.  And then my mom's recovery from her brain aneurysm is slow, and she has had one thing after another which has really set her back.  We were told early on that she would make a good recovery but it would be a long road. We heard things like a year or a year and a half for her recovery.  I would give anything to have this "slow recovery" now that we're approaching the one year mark.  But now the Dr.'s aren't sure what her "new normal" will look like.  And this cuts through my heart. I wonder if I'll ever get my mom back.  If my girls will ever get their grandma back.  Mom has short-term memory loss.  I can go visit her, and when my brother goes later that same day, she will have forgotten that I was there.  This goes for everything -- she forgets who visits her, where she lives, that dad has died, etc.  Her long-term memory is fine.  She'll remember every one's name from years and years ago, whether they were a good friend or just an acquaintance.  Mom has a lot of issues with her physical strength and her balance is off.  She falls often and I wonder if she'll ever walk without assistance again.  She has the symptoms of "Sundowners Syndrome" and this can be so severe.  During those times she has extreme paranoia and anger, usually thinking she is being held hostage and/or whoever is by her wants to kill her (this includes if I am by her).  This is the toughest and scariest one for me right now.  I see my mom much  more now than I did before her aneurysm, and yet I feel like I haven't talked to her since November 15th, 2015, 10 mos. ago.  Anyhow, I share all this to say things are very difficult right now.  And so .... I lean on God .... and I write .....

The Storm .... Part 1

I want and need to begin blogging again.  I enjoy writing and I just haven't made the time to over the last couple of years.  My two oldest girls have encouraged me to start my blog back up and honestly, writing is so healing to me in so many ways so I thought now was the perfect time to start. I thought it would be helpful to begin with a "brief" overview of what has happened over the last two plus years.  To say it has been a difficult two plus years is an understatement.  They have been, by far, the hardest years of my life. 

Life as I knew it drastically changed on January 24th, 2014  when I was sitting in the Dr.'s office with dad and mom.  We went there knowing that dad had lung cancer, but we had no idea how bad it was.  Dad went through the previous 10 days or so of tests where the cancer was diagnosed but he really felt certain he had caught it early and it would be stage 1.  The shock and sadness that filled that room when the Dr. said "I'm sorry to tell you you have stage 4 lung cancer, it's terminal, and you have maybe 3 to 6 mos. without treatment.  Maybe a year or two with treatment."  Now I knew how it felt to have a knife pierced through my heart.  Amazingly, dad was the strong one.  He was the one holding mom and us kids up in his own battle as well as the battle mom was going to go through that none of us yet knew about.

Not everything was hard over the last couple of years and hubby and I were blessed with another baby girl, Ms. Dava, in April of 2015.  There were some struggles with the pregnancy and a few minor things after her birth but all so worth it!  She has truly been a blessing to us and so many, especially helping us smile during the hard days that were yet to come in November and beyond in Rochester.

On November 15th, 2015 the day began in anticipation as we were going to church  to celebrate Ms. Dava's dedication.  Papa, Grandma's, Uncles, Aunts, and Cousins celebrated her dedication with us at church and then came to our home after wards for a late lunch and an afternoon of togetherness.  It was a warm day, windows open, the breeze blowing in.  I remember the Packers were playing that afternoon.  Mostly I  remember that because mom was yelling cheering them on quite loudly!  Little did I know as I hugged mom good-bye late that Sunday afternoon, how much life would change in just a few short hours.

The phone rang around 11:15 that night.  Hubby and I were already sleeping as it had been a wonderful, but tiring day.  Justin answered the phone and I could tell from his part of the conversation that someone was in the hospital.  I thought it must either be my grandma (who was 92 at the time and not in the best health) or my dad (who was almost two years into his battle with cancer).  I can't explain the shock that went through me when Justin hung up the phone and said "It's your mom."  Immediate tears and shaking hit me as Justin said "She went to Luther (in EC) by ambulance and they think she had a stroke.  Your dad heard her yell out at 10:30 shortly after she went to bed.  He went in the room and your mom was grabbing her head and said she thought she was having a stroke."  It took me less than a second to say "I'm going to Eau Claire."  At that time Ms. Dava was still nursing so I went and woke her to get her nursed and settled in the car to make the trip with me.  I threw a few things in a suitcase and went out to the car.  Just as I was getting Ms. Dava buckled in the car seat my phone rang.  It was dad.  All I remember hearing is things like "brain aneurysm, helicopter, Rochester."  And that's when I lost it.  I laid on the driveway, pounded it, and started yelling "no, this can't be happening."  It was clear I couldn't make the drive to Rochester alone so Justin called his mom to come be with my other kiddos, and once she got there, we took off for Rochester.  Longest 2 hour trip ever...wondering over and over "will she be alive when I get there?" 

Mom had had a severe brain aneurysm rupture.  Seeing her lay in that hospital bed with tubes all over her was almost more than I could take. It was more than I could take but God saw me through that most difficult time.  The next 3 weeks she was in intensive care with several concerning moments.  She had numerous vessel spasms which required many procedures, all with a risk.  She finally got moved out of intensive care after 3 weeks but about a week after being moved to the regular neuro floor, she got a UTI which set her back a lot.  Then in January fluid started building up on her brain which required her to have a shunt put in (drains the fluid off the brain since her brain couldn't absorb these fluids like a healthy brain can).  There's been issues with the shunt plugging which has required many more appointments, and more surgeries.  She also has had two more UTI's, and many falls, some resulting in emergency room visits. She has lived in 3 nursing homes in the last nine months, as well as being home for 2 and a half mos. with a lot of assistance from dad from mid Feb. through early May. 

Not only was all of this going on with mom over the last several mos. but more difficulties were around the corner .....

(Part 2 will be coming soon .... I wanted to do a brief summary of the last couple of years but there has been so much that has happened I can't do it in one post .... just too much to process)